I felt like my eyes couldn’t close. But I need to meditate? I need to know today’s message? Surely that’s the best way to start? But I couldn’t. I just sat there. Eyes wide open (despite NES, Never Enough Sleep). Staring at the rhubarb outside in the garden. Go there, and just stand there for a while. But there will be no picture? No, because you already have the picture for today. You just need to go there. Knowing not to argue (too much) with my intuition, I of course went and stood as closely to the rhubarb as possible. And then I understood the message.
My mommy made me a princess cake for my birthday. It was pink. I turned my head and looked at her. Really looked at her. She was smiling and seemed so proud, as she was telling the other girls.
As I stepped onto the soil, surrounding the rhubarb, I felt like I was sinking. The soil was soft and porous. I was not expecting that. I didn’t like standing there. Of course I wasn’t sinking that much, but enough to make me feel uncomfortable and wanting to step onto the grass next to it straight away. But I didn’t. I guess I instinctively knew, that I had to hold on a little bit longer. Patience (which is not something I have a lot of!) I stood there even though I felt uncomfortable. And then I finally understood why.
For 11 (!) days I have not been blogging. I have been working. Working on getting our little summer house ready for rental. When the children had gone to bed, we continued. Working. Cleaning. Tidying up. Making everything look “picture perfect” for the rental company’s camera lens. I did not have any time to myself. And I put everything else aside. I didn’t even spend that much time with my children. My parents came and helped us. With a tight deadline, we were under a lot of pressure, but in the end we made it. The result was amazing, but I was exhausted. I felt like I had let my children down and myself (including my intuition). I even thought about quitting blogging. Quitting writing. What’s the point anyway? My ego wanted to know.
Don’t worry, it will all work out for you, the intuition said. Look what you have achieved in the past couple of weeks. You have reached your goal with the summer house, which will be on the rental marked in a couple of weeks. You have celebrated your daughter’s 4th birthday – and made her a princess birthday cake, she will always remember. You have written an application for a job/volunteer job, which could be an opening for you and your dreams about writing. Writing something that truly makes a difference. And now they want you to come for an interview. Give yourself some credit.
Yes the soil underneath you have sometimes been fragile, but you have always found your way back to solid grounds. Please don’t stop writing, it’s your life now. Everything is growing right now – yes I mean because of the spring time – but also you. You have taken responsibility for you and your girls and you’re showing them, that being true to yourself is always the best way forward – and yes it’s more than OK to be different and have crazy ideas. People will benefit from your creativity. Especially when they turn out to be pink castle cakes!