Jeg er din barndoms vrede

Så flyt dog for fanden den bil! Hey, ja dig i den røde bil, flyt den dog for helvede! Jeg skal jo ned og tømme containeren! Det råbte du i arrigskab til mig på lang afstand, imens du hamrede hornet i bund. Din vrede og frustration var ikke til at misforstå. Det var som om, jeg kunne se røgen komme ud af dine ører. Jeg kunne mærke dit blod bruse og dine knyttede næver. Du skræmte mig. Du gjorde mig bange. Du gjorde mig vred. Og pludselig var jeg en lille pige igen. Jeg vidste ikke, hvad der skete. Jeg kunne ikke sætte ord på det.

Måske havde du haft en dårlig morgen? Du var kommet for sent op, og din toast var brændt på. Måske var konen skredet og teenageren ikke til at få ud af sengen. Skuffen med tøj ville ikke lukke, så du skubbede den i med al din kraft, indtil den bukkede under for din vilje til at holde sammen på og gemme væk. Vred og frustreret satte du dig ind i din bil og kørte på arbejde. Det skulle bare overstås.

Hvad er det, der sker, tænkte du. Hvorfor er alle sĂĄ latterlige og ĂĄndsvage, at de ikke kan forstĂĄ og se? Hvad er der dog galt med alle mennesker for tiden? Og det lykkeligste land, min bare røv! Og hvad bilder jeg mig sĂĄ ind at blokere dit arbejdsomrĂĄde? Jeg mĂĄ da være helt fra den, nĂĄr jeg ikke kan se og rette mig efter parkering forbudt skiltet. Continue reading “Jeg er din barndoms vrede”

Du danske sprog jeg har savnet dig (sorry this one is dedicated to my Danish language)

Et velkendt landskab. En særlig ø, en særlig placering. En ø, der ved et tilfælde (for)blev dansk. Et velkendt sprog.

Du danske sprog, jeg har glemt dig. Jeg har glemt, at du er en del af mig. En større del af mig, end jeg har villet indrømme overfor mig selv og resten af (om)verden. Jeg har glemt, hvad du betyder for mig, og hvad du gør ved mig.

Et sprog er ikke bare et sprog. Det er den knusende, hudløse, ærlige og usammenlignelig måde at mærke, føle og høre lydene på i sit indre. I sit hoved. I sit hjerte. Sådan er du for mig. Undskyld. Jeg har ikke ladet dig komme til din ret. Jeg har forsømt dig, fordi jeg ikke troede, du kunne noget særligt. Eller måske var det fordi, jeg troede, at jeg ikke kunne noget særligt sammen med dig. Så jeg søgte tilflugt i det engelske sprog.

At du har færre ord end engelsk, har jeg altid beskyldt dig for. Du kan stĂĄ der med dine tre ekstra vokaler, men du kan stadig ikke nĂĄ det engelske sprog til sokkeholderne, nĂĄr det kommer til antal ord og sammensætninger. Du havde ikke nuancer nok, bildte jeg mig ind. Du var for snæversynet, for fastlĂĄst, for begrænsende, for grim en lyd i min mund og mit indre. Du repræsenterede de hĂĄrde og svære ord, stemninger og følelser fra min barndom. Jeg ønskede ikke at høre dig i mit hoved, sĂĄ selv min intuition begyndte at tale engelsk til mig. Continue reading “Du danske sprog jeg har savnet dig (sorry this one is dedicated to my Danish language)”

The leaf, leap and the results

Your idea on what to focus on when writing your thesis has travelled around the university long before I got a chance to talk to you. The professor looked at me. I felt slightly embarrassed and nervous. Part of me feared that he would laugh at me and say that it was a crazy idea and what have you, but he was kind, understanding and went a long with my idea (at least to begin with 🙂 ). He challenged me to set it up, how, what, where, when until I finally realised myself that it could never work in real life.

Tuesday last week I wrote a blog post about The Law of Attraction. I set up an experiment and by that I took on the challenge if I could focus and manifest my way to having more followers on this blog (partly because I was curious if I could get it to work and partly because I was (slightly) feed up reading stories about people that claimed to have been manifesting this and that AFTER it had happened). So yes, I was provoked and wanted to do something differently (again you might add). Like the way my thesis at university started out. Continue reading “The leaf, leap and the results”

Will I – I will – day 8

Will I ever get there and? I looked at the headline, I had just written down for today’s post. What should I add after and? And there was just something about that sentence I didn’t like. Somehow it triggered something inside me – but what?

It felt mostly like anger, like when people tell you, that you can’t do this or that, that you’re no good at this or that or (my personal favorite) Do you really think you’ll be able to do that? I mean it could possible be too difficult or too hard for you. I don’t think that’s such a good idea for you. I wouldn’t want to see you get hurt and upset again. And I wouldn’t want to sit opposite you in 6 months time and you still haven’t gotten anywhere! Continue reading “Will I – I will – day 8”

Alone in the tree – day 3 of the Law of attraction experiment

She sat down in front of me. I felt nervous yet calm (is that even possible?). What happened next, I did not see coming. There was no way I could have predicted it. She gave me her necklace. I held it in my hand and was about to close my eyes. I didn’t get that far before the first picture popped up in my head – before my eyes. It seemed so real.

I thought I had to sit there for a long time, focus, close my eyes, breath heavily in and out, asking my guides for help. But the picture just appeared. I wanted to interpret it immediately – what did it mean? How was I suppose to tell her what I had seen? Sure, my ego was keen to analyse, but somehow I instinctly new that I should not do that. I should let whomever had shown me the picture answer. I looked away for a second and then I got my answer and a lot more pictures and little short films. Continue reading “Alone in the tree – day 3 of the Law of attraction experiment”

Happy thoughts and smiley faces – day 2 of the experiment :-)

But what does it do? She asked. I looked out the window, well I think it cleans the footpath (looking at this strange machine/car/golf car?-ish thing driving very slowly next to us on the path), I said hoping that the 4 year old in the back seat would find the answer sufficient. Cleans the footpath? I turned briefly to look at her. Seriously? She said whilst still looking puzzled. I could tell that she couldn’t understand it, and then I said to her, well it doesn’t make any sense to me either.

We both started laughing. Me perhaps a little more than her. My stomach starting to hurt whilst trying to keep it together and start driving as the lights turned. I couldn’t stop laughing and after a while she told me as a matter of fact-ish: You know what, mommy? The circus is not in town! Which only made it that more difficult for me to stop laughing (and driving, I might add). Continue reading “Happy thoughts and smiley faces – day 2 of the experiment :-)”