I see, is the answer

She opened another can and started to eat the content of it. She ate fast. She was sitting a few seats in front of me on the bus. It was dark. I could only see the silhouette of her. The smell of the open cans was one thing, but the sound of her chewing the sausages was even more disgusting. It was like she never closed her mouth when chewing. It would be a very long bus ride, if she would carry on like that.

The sea was only a couple of hundred meters away. I rolled down the windows. I could definitely hear it. The sun came out that same second. It brought tears in my eyes. I had a lot relying on today. I felt I had build it up so much in my head and on my blog. Last night I could hardly fall asleep that’s how excited I was about going to the sea today. Excited in a good way. You know the butterflies. Happy. Singing. Dancing. I was looking for answers and today, I was sure that I would find them. Continue reading “I see, is the answer”

The tomato and the captain of the ship

May I have everyone’s attention please? We looked at each other, as the captain of the tiny little ship paused for a second and then carried on saying, that we had to stop at the next island. At least for tonight, he said. Maybe longer it depends on the weather. It was no longer safe for us to carry on due to the storm. As much as we wanted to follow our original plan, we had no choice than to accept his decision. After all he knew the waters. He knew the danger – after all he was the captain of the ship. Continue reading “The tomato and the captain of the ship”

What makes you carry on?

The other day a tractor pulled out in front of me in a small roundabout. I got really annoyed thinking why did he do that? There was no cars behind me, so letting me pas first would have been a nice gesture. As I got closer, I could see the number plate ended with 118. The date of this Sunday, where I have promised myself to set myself free and no longer hanging on to Plan B and the safety net it comes with. As I later drove the same way to pick up my children, the same tractor pulled out in front of me – again! What are the odds? Anyway today it happened again, same tractor, but this time, there was a small car between me and the tractor. Continue reading “What makes you carry on?”

FEAR or FLY

She was about 12 weeks when she suddenly started to bleed. When she got to the hospital they told her, what she deep down already knew. She was devastated and heartbroken. She had wanted this baby so much. It was made out of love and she didn’t want to let it go. Was it a boy or a girl?

Today, as I was dropping of the girls at their daycare, I had an epiphany in the car. The last week or so I have been feeling like something was weighing me down. Emotionally. Not being able to put my finger on it, I have been going crazy (to say the least). I am about to make an important decision (about my jobsituation or lack of. Anyway more to come about this) and I couldn’t clear my thoughts enough to work out what it was. Continue reading “FEAR or FLY”

The fish and the things you don’t want to hear

When I was in the 3. grade I overheard my maths teacher telling my parents that I seemed to struggle with the easier things in class, but seemed to being doing well with the more difficult and challenging things. Yet the label of being different or slightly weird was what I took away from it. I couldn’t help overhearing their conversation. I was after all present in the room. That memory came to me today and now it’s time for me to figure out why and what it means to me now. 30 something years later.

Mummy look, I found a fish in the pool! Look, it’s right here, see? Her eyes sparkled and she had a huge and proud smile on her face. See, it’s right here? Wow, did you catch that in the pool? Look at the eye and the mouth, it’s a good one! Come here, let me take a picture of it.

So, it’s been a while since I have posted anything on my blog. I have had some time off with my family and we ended up going on a road trip to Czech Republic. That’s a ferry ride and about 800 km. from where we live. Why did we decide to do this? With a 4 and nearly 2 year old in the back seat? Sounds crazy right?

But it went beyond my expectations. Armed with a lot of snacks and toys we headed off to a land relatively close by – on the map that is. Where we went, the not-many-tourists-come-here-places felt like being in a completely different world. The food, the people, the prices. Everything was completely different. But that’s one of the reasons why we go away on holiday, right? To see something different. A different culture. And ultimately it always puts my own life in perspective.

One day we went for lunch in a pub and the menu was only in Czech and no one working there spoke a word of English (or German). We sat there for a while. What to do. We had two little hungry girls and there wasn’t that much around this little town. Then this other costumer came over and did his best in translating what was on the menu. Pork, pork, beef, chicken, pork, pork, beef, cheese. My husband and I have recently decided to cut down on meat, due to both health and environmental reasons, and when we ordered the cheese, we where told it was sold out. Luckily they had pancakes on the menu as well :-).

Lately I have been doubting myself a lot on what I can do. Planning a road trip to a country, I know next to nothing about with two young children, easy. Deciding what to do when the holiday is over…. not so easy. What is it I am afraid of? Something is clearly holding me back in making a decision, a plan and start working towards it.

My first thought was failure. Hi my name is Jonna and I’m afraid of failure. Hi Jonna. My Facebook and Instagram is going crazy with all sorts of self employed people saying do this, do that. Download my free 5 step manual to succes, here’s the number one list of what you need to do to make things work. And so on.

In the beginning I read and followed these people on the social media like mad. I wanted to be a succes like them. They seemed to have the perfect lives and know all the answers in how to get there. Until one day at the holiday when it hit me. I don’t want to listen to them and their quick fix-5-step-to-never-fail-succes-manual. I want to get back to listening to myself and trusting, that things will work out for me. But how? I don’t know. That, along with sitting in a restaurant with only meat options, when I’m trying to cut down on meat, is something, I don’t want to hear. Yet along with what some teacher told my parents me 30 something years ago.

I want to see the “fish in things”. Making. Creating. Imagining. And appreciate the fact that I have children who can teach me how to do that, when I doubt myself.