You can not hide from what’s inside

Yesterday I reversed my car all the way up to the front door of my house. For the three years, I have been living here, I have never done that before. I have always driven straight up the drive. Why? Perhaps I thought, it wasn’t possible, as it’s a long narrow drive and it may seem unrealistic, although I drive my tiny mommy-car? I don’t know why, I all of a sudden decided to do it yesterday, but it definitely got me thinking. How do I start this? I mean it’s been 26 (!) days since my last post? I wonder if there’s a book, that can help me get started? And as I stood in front of the book case, there was no doubt in my mind. As I held the book in my hands I tried to pay attention, what page could help me out? Nothing came to mind. For a moment I felt down. Frustrated. Was I setting myself up for failure (is that even possible?). Anyway, as I walked back to my laptop and put the book down next to it, it suddenly hit me what message, I needed to pay attention to. Or so I thought.

The book is a Guide to London. One of the first cities I visited at a very early age (14) where I instantly felt at home. A feeling of belonging. And as I stood there looking up at Big Ben, I knew I had to come back and live there. Which I did about 7 years later. I went there without having a job first. All I had was a bed to sleep in (in a not so nice part of the city in a rather run down and not very clean hostel. And it was back then, when smoking was aloud indoors) and a little bit of cash. Was I worried? No, I somehow knew that things would be OK.

Feeling sure that I had understood the message correctly (and because I simply ran out of time and needed to go and pick up my children) I closed my laptop thinking I can just finish this post later tonight, when the children are asleep. However I didn’t finish the post yesterday and today I know why. I needed to understand another message – make another conclusion from sitting next to a guide book about London.

Yesterday I didn’t even bother to open the book. I was sure, that my intuition wanted me to remember, that I have taking chances before and succeeded. That was why there was no page to look at, because I only needed to see the cover: LONDON. But today I couldn’t resist to open it. Just having a quick look. As my fingers flicked through the pages, I realised, that it was not all about London and my memories from the great city. Not all about how I took that chance and made it happen. It was also about what kind of book it is. A guide book. What to see and do. Something you look at when planning a trip. Something that will inspire you to go and visit or explore certain areas. And then I finally understood.

If I’m going to change my work life, I need to make a plan. I need to do research, map out what I want to do and how I will get to the place, I want to be. It sounds pretty easy and basic thinking, right? But I think I have been to caught up in old patterns and ways of thinking and I find myself replying for jobs, that I don’t really want. Basically spending a lot of time and energy on something that I don’t want, which definitely isn’t helping or making me happy. Why? Because I doubt myself? Perhaps due to the fear of failing? Or fear of believing?

When I arrived Saturday evening in London, I started my first job in a pub Friday night. I remember I was so excited when I got my first pay the following week. It was not a lot of money, but it was enough for me to pay for the bed at the hostel, food and transport. It was a fantastic feeling!

Yesterday evening I watched a TV program, where a homeless man borrowed some money and started his own business as a window cleaner. As I watched him and how proud he was when he had invested in the car, the ladder and all the stuff he needed, it made me think. It really is possible to start from scratch and I admire his courage.

I need to start admire my own courage and stop making excuses for myself. And I need to put myself out there. Not hiding behind a semi-anonymous blog. I am me. And I am not afraid of taking risks in order to achieve something. It’s time to come out once and for all. Taking chances!

Thank you for reading 🙂 Please drop me a line – I would love to hear from you. Especially if you are going through similar things in your own life.