I recently discovered that my ancestors on my mothers side of the family had pretty tough destinies. I have always known that my grandmother (mothers mother) had a tough upbringing but I was not aware that the story goes way back and includes tragic deaths and a lot of guilt and shame. As a result of my resent discovery I’m having a tough time letting go of their legacy (I’m writing their but right now it seems very much like mine too). It is wearing me down – it’s like a very powerful energi that I can’t seem to shake off. I need to heal. I can’t help wondering: will healing your past make your happiness present?
It all started a couple of weeks ago when I was attenting a course about intuition and spirituality. As you have probably noticed (that is if you have read my previous posts 😉 ) I feel strongly drawn towards the spiritual world. When thinking back I have probably always had a strong intuition or gut feeling although I’m only just now realizing what that means (I am still trying to find my way in all of this and how I can use and understand it – does that make sense?). The clairvoyant whom was hosting the course asked me during a family constellation regarding my family, if there was any tragic deaths in my family? (on my mothers side). I told her I wasn’t aware, but could ask my mother.
A few days after I talk to my mother whom wasn’t sure but believed, that something did happen to her great grandfather. We hung up and later that day she texted me and my dad emailed me that part of the family tree. It became clear to me, that the clairvoyant was right. My great great grandfather (my mother’s father’s father) died in a ship wreck. He was working on the ship. He was 30 years old. Left behind a wife and 4 young children. The youngest born the year he died. I was horrified. 11 years later his dad died in a mine explosion. My heart goes out to my great great grandmother whom lost her husband, the father of her 4 children. Just the thought of her being pregnant (I sense that she was) at the time her husband tragically dies, and then have to give birth and take care of her 4 young children. How did she do it? Did she get any help? Was there anyone to look after her? To make matters worse I was told, that her first born (my mothers grandfather became an alcoholic. Did he become that because he lost his dad at the age of 6? And how did he manage with his wife and their 8 children – the youngest being born 20 years after the first born (which was my grandmother) She had to get a job at age 14 and hand over her salary to him every month, as there where mouths and an addiction to feed.
Besides the 2 tragic deaths, the family tree reveals a story of couples marring just a few months before their first child is born. This was the case of my grandmothers parents (she was the first born) and my grandmother herself. I guess it was normal back then. And yet I have actually done that myself. Not because we had to marry due to the shame, but because we didn’t wanted to wait. We got married in October and our first born came in April 🙂 So I guess I somehow have contributed to that part of the story. But besides that the story has to end now. No more guilt. No more shame. No more anger and anxiety. It’s time to heal. Honor them by starting to heal, because without them, I would not be here.