Inside the heart

I didn’t write anything on my blog on Friday. I needed some time to think. Time to reflect. Time to try to understand, what had happened. Anger. Despair. Sad. Embarrassed. Let down. Frustrated. Disappointed. Deceived. Pain. Alone. I was feeling everything at the same time. Not knowing how to bounce back from all those emotions, I thought it better to be silent. And to say it like it is, I really just wanted to quit this whole intuition-thing and be done with it. And my blog. Today I still don’t have the answer on how to bounce back, but nevertheless I have decided not to be silent (at least for today). Life’s too short.

I knew immediately who it was, when my mother rang me. My uncle had died. Last night. He was that kind of man, who had worked hard all his life to support his family. His wife and their three boys. He loved making jokes and playing. He loved food. He loved dancing. He loved fishing. He loved smoking. And it was always very clear to me, how much he loved my aunt and their sons. Growing up, we were not close, as they lived in the opposite part of the country, which back then (before the bridges and high speed ferries) meant a whole day of travelling. So because of that, we didn’t see them much. However I do have fun childhood memories of going there on holiday, where me and their oldest son (who is the same age as me) would lock ourselves in the family bathroom and play cards, much to the annoyance of everyone else.

His passing made me think about life and what we carry inside our hearts. The story we carry in our hearts. Is it filled with love? Is it filled with trauma and unfinished healing? Is it filled with disappointment about a life, that could have been? Is it filled with sadness? Is it filled with joy? Is it filled with pain? Is it broken? Is it strong? Is it a mix of it all? But it also made me think about life. And what we do with it. Some things we can’t control. Or change. Or decide. And that can be hard to accept. To take in.

And I can’t help thinking, that when we feel heartbroken, sad, upset, filled with sorrow is it then still possible to (still) feel you intuition? To read or hear the messages? The signals? If you stay too long in unhealed traumas or sad stories from the past, with a broken heart can you then loose the contact to your intuition? Or will it always be there – is there room for it all? In the heart?

I had not preformed well with the story, I had set out to do. I got overwhelmed by my own story, and it got in the way of telling her beautiful story of love and strength. A heart filled with love and strength. I found myself disconnect with my intuition, while writing the story, and the ego then got the better of me. And because of that I ended up using my head and not my heart. That’s what made me tell my intuition to leave me alone on Thursday night. Go away, if I can’t trust you to stay with me, the way you have done throughout the interview itself, then I can no longer rely on you.

Friday morning I woke up with tears in my eyes. I had been crying in my sleep (I didn’t even know, that was possible). Leaving one picture clear from my dream (I almost never remember my dreams in the morning. Probably due to NES -never enough sleep). The picture of a giant neon sign showing 11:11. The number I had told the universe, or whomever listened at the time, to show me when I was on the right track.

RIP uncle – may your heart and soul be at peace.

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