You have to start somewhere

But it’s a cookbook? How is that going to work? Now you’re really confusing me. I opened the book. How is this recipe ever going to help me? I am this close to quitting, and now you want me to look at a cookbook? I closed the book in despair. I couldn’t help wandering, if I was really loosing it this time (or just really hungry). Look again, the intuition said. Reluctantly I opened it again on page 58, as guided. It’s part of “Starters and light meals”, so? Please look again. “A modern version of beans on toast” – really?

I was having one of those mornings were “the-children-didn’t-want-to-listen-and-be-changed-and-get-ready-to-leave-the-house”, and on top of that, I felt a bit down thinking, that this writing is getting me nowhere. Perhaps it was time to give it up and find a “prober job” and stop daydreaming about my love for writing and how fantastic it would be, if I could make it in to a way of living. I’m not sure how else we can convince you not to quit, the intuition said. But how can I carry on, when I feel like, I’m getting nowhere? Write down, what you have done in the last 2 months, then you’ll see, that you have come a long way already.

We had just made it out on the main road towards my oldest daughter’s day care, when the first car with number 11 came passed us. 200 meters further down the road the second car with number 11. Meanwhile the song on the radio was playing “…find the strength to carry on…” (Yes, but how?) I changed the station, and found myself listening to a discussion regarding how people (mainly women) should stop comparing themselves with other people on the social medias, because it only brought their self esteem down (yes I have been doing that lately). You have to do better than that, I thought to myself.

I got back home with the feeling of wanting to tidy up (including posting old baby-stuff on an app, in an attempt to see, if I could sell more things), definitely not wanting to write anything. Suddenly I got a message from an old friend, whom I haven’t seen for a long time. She was contacting me, because she was working on a book about spirituality and soul searching. She wanted to know, if I would give her some feedback on her writings. I told her, that I would be happy to help.

Still tidying up (and not wanting to write), I came across an old magazine. On the cover was the story of how a woman with a brilliant career in front of her, had quit her job and moved to the suborns to do soul searching and starting a new path in her life – helping others to find theirs. But it wasn’t until I saw the recipe for “a new version of beans on toast”, that I knew what message, I needed to be aware of today.

The “Beans on toast” took me back to my younger years, were I had one job after another, in order to save money to travel around the world for 7 months. Straight. Without an income. I worked as a postman, at a factory packing spices, in the retail business packing clothes to be shipped out to costumers etc. At some point I had 2 jobs. Monday-Friday daytime and when I got home Friday afternoon, I slept for a few hours and then did a night shift at an engross company. I kept reminding myself, that I just needed to do this for a short time, and then I would be off to the travel adventure of a lifetime.

I couldn’t help thinking, if “Beans on toast” is my intuition’s way of telling me that I have to start somewhere. That I cannot expect to make a living out of something, that I have only just realised, that I want to do. Like when I was saving up for this trip around the world, or when I was a student and I didn’t have much money. Yet I still managed to go on holidays abroad. How? I worked, worked and worked, so I could make it happen. So I could go to Berlin with my new boyfriend (now husband), show him Greece, travel to London, Ireland, Portugal, France, Spain, Belgium, Switzerland and Asia. All in my student years.

I started this blog 2 months ago. And what have I achieved so far?

• I have (re)discovered my passion for writing.
• I have written everyday – Monday-Fridays (apart from that day, where I was in too much pain because of my leg).
• I have acknowledged and accepted that I have things in the past (traumas), that I need to deal with – and reached out for help.
• I have done an interview, based entirely on my intuition.
• And last, but not least, I have found a way to be guided by my intuition and come to understand, that I HAVE to follow what’s in my heart, my song, my energy – even when I feel like giving up, I’m being guided and cheered on.

And for today’s picture? Remember the flower you discovered the other day? The one that started to grow out of nothing and now has blossomed in to beautiful colours? It will not be held down. I surrender. I continue. I surrender to continue writing.

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