Afraid to listen – 12/25

Last night I found myself unable to fall asleep, due to an event I had attended that same evening (please see yesterday’s post on why I felt I needed to go and keep reading today’s post πŸ™‚ ). When I finally did fall asleep, I was woken up by a kiddies book, that was making noises (you know those books, that has buttons, which you have to push or twist in order for it to make a sound that will “back up the story” as you read it to your children).

I instantly knew which book it was, as we have been reading that a lot lately πŸ™‚ . But how was it possible, that a book where you have to touch the buttons in order for it to make a sound, can start to “play the tunes” by it’s self in the middle of the night, hours after the last little fingers have touched it? I listened. It wouldn’t stop.

I finally got up and went to the lounge (which is next to our bedroom) armed with the tourch from my mobile. The house was quiet. Everyone was asleep. I felt I instinctively knew where to look for the book. But it wasn’t there where I thought it would be. Instead I saw a book about angels, which I had borrowed from the library a couple of weeks ago, but hadn’t come around to read yet.

Naturally I saw it as a sign (you should know me by now πŸ™‚ ). So I thought to myself, there is my post for tomorrow, writing about angels, as lately I had come across that a lot. Books, cards, yesterday’s picture and last night’s event hosted by a woman named Angel. And now this book. As I lay down in my bed the voice whispered: “talk to the angels”.

Today I opened the book, that apparently got me out of bed last night (cleverly assisted by a book about a big yellow bear, that likes honey πŸ™‚ ). I started flicking through it, but I somehow couldn’t bring myself to read it. What was holding me back? Wasn’t it obvious that I needed to read this book about angels? I mean come on, how many signs or hints do you need? I pushed the book away as it was lying on top of a pile of papers (yes I have a messy desk, but to my defends, I share it with my husband πŸ˜‰ ). But as soon as I pushed it, it came back to me. I pushed again, it came back.

That got me thinking: what am I so afraid of, that makes me push it away? And then I realised, I am afraid. I’m afraid of really listen to my inner voice although it has helped me on several occasions. In my younger days, without me realising. Afraid to reveal my true identity (also on this blog – maybe one day, I’ll come out? πŸ™‚ ). Afraid of what will happen, once the 5 week challenge is up. Afraid of never finding my silver lining.

Last night I sat across from two people, that had found their path in life, because they started to listen to the messages coming from above, messages they had been ignoring for years, until they could no longer deny them. They had found their silver lining – their true calling in life and they felt the need to help everyone they could.

If they were able to find their silver lining by “just” listening, why can’t I? Is it because I’m affraid to really listen? Affraid of the truths I might hear? And then I realised, that I had to write some uncomfortable emails, in an attempt to tap into my fear.

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