Do you dream? For some people it might be an easy question to answer. Yes of coarse, I dream of finding love, living there, having that house, having babies, travelling, being financially independent or what ever makes your heart dance. But can you really feel the dream? Can you close your eyes and smell the skin of your unborn child? Can you see yourself planting flowers in the garden of your dreams? Can you taste the free life of being financially independent? Do you dare to dream?
When I was 20 years old I bought the lamp on the picture. And it has stayed with me ever since (so yes, we’re talking decades 🙂 ). Every time I have moved to a new home, I have looked at it and then packed it in a moving box to come with me. I have not wanted to let go of it. I don’t think I could ever get rid of it it. Ever. As I was clearing the entire windowsill yesterday (as part of my I-seriously-need-to-tidy-up-as-I-can-no-longer-open-the-window-without-things-falling-out project) I didn’t touch the lamp. It just stood there. On it’s own. Left in the corner, alone.
Last night my husband, out of the blue, asked me: “What are your dreams? What do you dream of?” I don’t know if it was because I was completely taken by surprised about the question (funny how someone you have been with for almost 15 years still can surprise you with questions like that 🙂 ) or me just being tired or whatever, but I struggled to answer his questions. I can’t even remember what I answered now.
Today as I was trying to tune in on what to write about, I opened the window (feeling happy about yesterday’s clear out, that made the exercise so much easier 😉 ). I spotted the lamp again. OK what are you trying to tell me?
I bought it in London after I had lived there for about six months. I had bought a plane ticket, booked a bed in a hostel, in a not very nice part of the city (but of coarse I didn’t know that back then. Those were the days without internet). No job, no plan. Just a bed to sleep in and a shared bathroom and kitchen. I didn’t have much money, so I knew I had to quickly find a job. But I wasn’t worried. I just said to myself, well if it doesn’t work out, I guess I can always go home to my parents. Six days after I arrived in the city, I got my first job. My dream was to live in London, work, meet new people and cultures, be independent and just live my life. No plans. Just dreams.
To me that lamp resembles dreams and freedom (although it might not look very special and it was certainty not expensive). And then it hit me. I’m not sure what my dreams are anymore. I mean, what do I dream of? I’m not sure. I wanted to live abroad and travel the world (so after London I lived for a bit in Spain and Greece and then went backpacking seven months around the world). I wanted to go to university, a job, I wanted to have a husband and children, a nice home to call my own. But what now? Am I simply out of dreams or am I afraid to open up and dream again? Is it because it is much easier to dream when you’re young and carefree? Or is it because I have been so hung up in this modern adult life called planning, that I have forgotten how to dream?
I can’t help of wondering: Is having dreams (I of coarse mean those you have during the day, awake. As I can’t remember much from the dreams I’m having at night. Probably due to exhaustion 🙂 ) the answer for me to move on with my life, to find my silver lining and to be truly happy? And in that case – can I learn how to dream again and where do I begin?