What picture will go with my story today? Go out into the garden and take a picture of the grass. What really? But it’s so plain – so ordinary? How do you want me to link grass with today’s story? I asked, but somehow I already knew the answer, as I squatted down and took the picture.
I woke up today with the feeling of being tired and worn out (maybe it has something to do with the fact, that I’ve been ignoring my cold all week?). I had planned to go to a yoga class and to go and see another ‘helper’, which I had planned a long time ago. In an attempt to get out of my misery, I had filled my calendar with appointments, that were suppose to ‘fix’ all my problems. I felt bad cancelling last minute, but I just couldn’t see myself go anywhere and ‘work with myself’ today. Sure my sore back would have benefited tremendously from a yoga class, and it’s always good to talk to someone who wants to help you, right? Despite all my arguments I ended up cancelling both things.
As I was driving my children to their daycare this morning, a car came up behind me. It came closer and closer. It stayed really close. In all the hairpins along the country roads. I kept looking in the rear mirror. Why was he driving so close to me? Could he not see, that I couldn’t go any faster? I sat there getting more and more annoyed, not able to concentrate on what my oldest daughter was trying to tell me. My focus had shifted. Who did he think he was? He was just so busy, and I felt like I was being forced to drive faster. Anyway, I dropped them off and wanted to go straight home and take it easy (and write of course 😉 ).
But somehow I felt a strong need to go to the shop (or was I just feeling a bit down and wanted to treat myself to something delicious? Was I just feeling a bit sorry for myself?). I didn’t have to go. I had already done the weekly shopping (twice 🙂 ). But I ended up going anyway. As soon as I picked up a basket (you know one of those with wheels and a handle, that you grab, when you don’t really need to get much, but you end up filling it up anyway?). As soon as I sat it down and started to wheel it around the shop, it started to hit me (not the basket – my inner voice 🙂 ) with what was really nagging me.
The basket was partly broken and as I pulled it, it almost pulled back (maybe it was tired too? 🙂 ) As I reached for my mobile to write down my epiphany for today, the time was 09:11 (seriously number 11? We will have to come face to face soon. And yes I did see the 11 ducks (6 + 5, cleverly hidden 😉 ) flying in a row on Monday, the car’s number plate in front of me the whole way to the garage and the time on the oven just now, as I took out today’s baking goods: 11:11). So here we are again like 1,2,3 listen.
I realise, that I have been so obsessed with trying to find the answers on what I am going to do with my (work)life, that I have pushed myself with appointments to try to get help, to feel better, to let go of old traumas, to be fixed, that I have forgotten a very important thing along the process: Time to slow down and take it all in. Haven’t I been on the work-with-yourself-you-need-to-figure-it-all-out-sooner-rather-than-later-mode for quite some time now? How fast do we (think we) want things to happen?
I felt the need to cancel the appointments, had someone driving really closely behind me, so I felt pushed, and I might add really uncomfortable. And then the basket in the shop, not wanting to go along with me (but it did, as I was too stubborn to walk back and get a different one, and having already got the message 🙂 ). Pushed and you might just push back.
So how does that connect with the picture of grass?, you might ask. (It was certainly my question). Is the connection, that grass is just grass and it grows at it’s own pace? (like everything else 🙂 ), or could it mean that you don’t really notice it, but if it wasn’t there – you would definitely notice it’s absence? Is that really why I put on my wellies and stepped into the cold, wet garden? Or was it to show me something else, that was lying in the garden? (besides the feather 🙂 ).