“Do you find it difficult to start writing? I understand that, but you mustn’t give up. I know it’s late and you’re tired, but I will help you what to write. I think you know, what you want to include in today’s post, but you seem to having trouble starting to write. Don’t worry. I ‘m with you. I’ll guide you. Need something more specific, than what I just told you? Go to the bookcase and take the 3rd book from the right and read page 28. You don’t need to copy it. But it will get you thinking and starting writing the story, you need to tell today”. I went to the book case. 1,2,3 (I don’t really think that book can help us, the ego complained). “Just go with it. Go back to your computer and read it. You’re strong. You’ll work it out”.
I have always felt like I was different. I have somehow always had a feeling that I was born in the wrong country, at the wrong time of the year. I was born into a family of which I have very little in common with. As a result, I never felt like they understood me. As an adult I have come to terms with the fact, that they in their own way tried, but they weren’t able to understand me. See me as I really am. I don’t even look like them. My parents and sister with dark hair, dark eyes. I turned out blond with blue eyes. My sister used to tease me about it, saying that I was switched at birth. For many years I believed her.
In school I didn’t do well at all. No one believe I would be able to make something of myself. When I went to my reunion 10 years later my teacher said: “I can’t believe you’re at university now, really?” His puzzled face giving away what he was really thinking.
“Have your parents been to university?” The girl asked me. “No one in my family have”, I told her. Feeling both proud and insecure at the same time. My first day at university. Would I ever really understand. Fit in. Graduate. “I’m the 3rd generation of people going to university in my family”, she smiled at me. The proudness showing in her eyes. That sentence has stayed with me ever since.
I can’t believe you had 5 gap years. What were you thinking while everyone started their education? Had prober jobs? Were responsible? Sensible? Rational? I had to see the world. I had to travel and live abroad. I had to discover other cultures first hand. I had to have summer 10 months of the year.
I can’t believe you quit your job. What were you thinking? What kind of a role model are you to your children? While everyone got promoted? Worked hard to support their family? I Needed to breath. I needed to find myself again after having two babies, almost dying, moving to a new home. All in 3,5 years. I needed to search my soul and find my silver lining. To find my passion. My purpose. My strength. I want to show my girls to believe in themselves. To follow their hearts.
I opened the book. Page 28. What did it say? And what’s it got to do with the picture of today? You might add 🙂 Page 28 is about insecurity. How you’re shaped early on in your childhood. How you were looked at as a child. How you were treated. How you were loved. How it affects you as a grown up. I drew the card earlier today to give me an answer to were I need to go from now. Well I didn’t actually choose it. I chose me. As I shuffled the cards thinking about my question regarding my next step in my writing process, it “fell” out and before I even started to question it, I was told: “there’s your answer”.
I can’t help thinking, that I’m already doing this. I’m connecting with people all over the world, who somehow understand me and my stories. And making a new local friend 🙂 Feeling understood and accepted. Freeing myself from constant questioning and insecurity if I’m doing the right thing, definitely seems like the right way. A new direction. A new road. The road to heal. I really hope I can stay on it.