FEAR or FLY

She was about 12 weeks when she suddenly started to bleed. When she got to the hospital they told her, what she deep down already knew. She was devastated and heartbroken. She had wanted this baby so much. It was made out of love and she didn’t want to let it go. Was it a boy or a girl?

Today, as I was dropping of the girls at their daycare, I had an epiphany in the car. The last week or so I have been feeling like something was weighing me down. Emotionally. Not being able to put my finger on it, I have been going crazy (to say the least). I am about to make an important decision (about my jobsituation or lack of. Anyway more to come about this) and I couldn’t clear my thoughts enough to work out what it was.

Going more and more desperate my mind toke over trying to convince me that it was probably nerves and anxiety regarding my next step, and other things in the recent past, that was haunting me. But somehow my intuition was not having any of that. You can imagen the battle between the two. Ever tried that, when your mind is telling you something, but your intuition is just jumping up and down trying to get your attention? – Listen to me please, here I am, pick me, pick me!

The washing was done, so I went to hang it up. The weather was looking grey and maybe it would rain. Should I hang up the washing inside or outside? A small decision, but difficult when you feel like your head is spinning trying to find the answers. If I hung it up inside, I didn’t have to worry about it. It would just be there and dry. It would be the safest option. Hanging it up outside would mean it would dry quicker and smell nicer. But then there’s always the risk of a shower and I would have to run outside to move it back into the dry safe place.

Not wanting to stay in this emotionally draining position for much longer I must somehow have sent out a plea for help, because right there in the car it hit me and I finally understood what was weighing me down, and how it has done for all my life. A part of my story, that I knew only very little about and which impact in my life I didn’t, until know, fully understood.

Finding myself looking at job adds ( again!!! For jobs I don’t want, but somehow feel pressured into applying for). I turned my head (or was it turned?)Anyway I found myself staring at a book in the bookcase. The auther being a very famous and adventures person, alright it was Richard Branson. Not my book, my husband’s (strange what you discover about your spouse’s book collection after 15 years together. And furthermore I have never seen that book before, after spending hours in that office!). If you have followed my blog you know, that the number 11 is something I see all the time. It’s the number number of my energy. So I didn’t need to ask which page I needed to read.

“If something is what you really want to do, just do it. Whatever your goal is you will never succeed unless you let go of your fears and fly” – Richard Branson.

11 is getting stronger and stronger, as in showing for me all the time – like this postbox I found on a walk in the forest – and with a butterfly on?! I smiled. I have made the right decision and I will follow through. The 11th is only 5 days from now.

I had a brother? The words just came out of my mouth. The toddler was happy in the backseat the 4 year old was already dropped off. A brother? I instantly started to cry. I couldn’t hold back the tears. And I instantly knew that he was that strong masculine energy, I have been feeling lately, or perhaps all my life – he must be my guarding angel. Something clicked inside and I felt a connection and peace at the same time. I was starting to see the bigger picture of things.

Growing up I was well aware of the fact, that my mother had a miscarriage before she had me. She has always told me, that she only wanted two children, and having an older sister, I have sometimes felt, that what if she hadn’t lost the baby? Then I wouldn’t have been here. She has also told me that she was convinced that it was a boy and that she and my dad was so excited to have a son. Is that why I always have had this feeling about being the odd one out and not belonging? I called her today and asked her to tell me the story. I knew I had to in order to let go of and free myself from the sorrow and grief that I have somehow been living with, without knowing where it came from. Turned out that it happened on the 4th of October. 38 years later on that exact date my husband and I married in a church ruin from the 11th century (!!) with no roof. In the sunshine.

I ended up hanging the washing outside. And then the sun came. And the wind picked up. Perfect for drying flying. And I saved a butterfly helping it fly back out the door. It took a while. But I knew I had to see it fly in it’s right element.