BOXED I(I)N

I don’t want this in my department. This is not how we do things around here. They looked down. I don’t know what its been like were you have worked previously, but I am telling you this now, this is not how I want it. A man walked by with his trolley. If there’s anything, that you find is not right or is missing, then you have to tell me straight away. As I told you, I don’t want this in my department. They nodded.Well, I’m glad we had this conversation, so you in the future can come and tell me, right?

I looked at myself in the mirror. Was that me? I took of my blouse. Well no, I kind of ripped it off, as I didn’t feel comfortable wearing it. It had been sitting in my wardrobe for (ever) a long time, but I just couldn’t get myself to get rid of it. It’s smart and looks professional. I guess that was the look, I was going for, as I prepared myself for a meeting today.

As I walked towards my car with my shopping trolley of groceries, I saw that my tiny mommy-car was boxed in by two rather large vehicles. Had I been pregnant with a big belly, I would definitely not have been able to squeeze in to my car. As soon as I had thought that, I instantly found myself asking: is this today’s message? I turned and opposite were to cars parked, both had 11 on their number plate. Lately I have been thinking, that not only is 11 the number of my energy, but at the same time it shows me, when I am on the right track. I will ask: is what I’m doing the right thing? And 11 could appear on all sorts of things. Lately I have been seeing number 11 a lot. I guess I’m moving in the right direction then? After I finally made it inside my car and started to drive home, I saw that the car driving behind me had 11 on it. The only thing I could think about was: why is it suddenly behind me and not in front of me, like I’m used to?

It was time for me to drive to the meeting. I dreaded it a bit, as of what it resembles for me. It was a meeting, I had to go to because I’m unemployed. In order to receive my benefits, I have to show up to a numerous of different kinds of meetings, in order for the system to help me “get back in to a job as soon as possible”. To be honest I much rather spend my time writing stories, but until I find a job, I have to follow these rules. I accept it, but feel like they want to “figure me out” and “fix me”.

Trying to fit in to a place, were I clearly don’t belong, is taking up a lot of my energy (too much if you ask my intuition). It makes me feel under pressure and completely boxed in. In a way were I feel like I can’t move. Suffocated. Stuck. Sad. I guess I feel a bit like the poor pita bread, which I found this morning in the bread bin. I remember, that there was something, wait let be rephrase that, my intuition was telling me. There I said it. It’s not some strange voice in my head. I’m not going crazy and hearing voices telling me to do this or that. I’m simply following my intuition – the voice of my soul, if you would like.

Anyway, my intuition was telling me NOT to take the pita bread out of it’s packaging before taking the picture. Yet it still tried to smile at me, even though it is kind of boxed in. Suffocated. Stuck and looks a bit sad. I guess like those two employees must have felt like today in the supermarket, when being told off by their manager, or what ever she thought she was, that she could get away with talking to her staff like that.

As I started driving (yes I’m still talking about the meeting), the time was 11.11 and the temperature was showing 11 degrees outside. Last time I had to go to the meeting, it was almost impossible for me to park there. I spend minutes trying to squeeze in a tiny little parking place. Not wanting to do that again, I send out a plea: can I please have a parking space? Don’t worry, there will be plenty of spaces. I smiled and as I hit the main road, a car with number 11 came up behind me. Could this mean, that the meeting would be bearable? And what was the 11 still doing behind me?

I got there and somehow there was plenty of parking spaces, and to cut the meeting short, she basically told me to follow my dreams. Keep writing. I couldn’t believe it, had I somehow made it out of the box? As I drove home, another car with number 11 came up behind me. OK 3 times in one day. Then I know, I have to pay attention. And then it hit me. For weeks, for months 11 had been in front of me, like it was showing me the way, and now it was behind me, like it was backing me up.

I cant help wondering if this means, that I am now ready to stand on my own? That I no longer need to be shown the way? That I by myself am moving in the right direction, and I that I have all the support I need? Because someone has my back?