Run or fight – 14/25

In life we are certain to go through some rough times. We might experience traumas and the experience may stay with us for a very long time – maybe forever. Especially if untreated. Sometimes we instinctively don’t want to open up or deal with whatever has had a traumatic affect on us. But what happens when your body is talking to you? (and won’t keep quiet? – And you don’t listen) Can that keep you from finding your silver lining?

“Do you have children”? The woman asked. Yes, I have two, I answered. Somehow dreading the next question coming from the woman sitting opposite me in her clinic. I knew what was coming next. “And how was the birth of your first child”? I tried not to look her in the eyes. I could feel, that I was going to cry, but I managed to hold back the tears (at least for now). I told her how my body had been under a lot of pressure three days before the birth, as I was induced, because my due date had come and gone. 11 days. I told her about the unbearable pain, I felt the night before I gave birth. So painful I had to go to the hospital. They gave me morphine. I slept. The next night my first daughter was born. I told her how I bled almost three liters after the birth. I was rushed to the emergency surgery room immediately after the birth. Separated from my baby. She was less than an hour old. 

A week after we came home from the hospital, I got up in the night to feed her, but as I sat down the blood wouldn’t stop. I got down on the bathroom floor, calling my husband to take the baby. I remember laying there feeling the life was running out of me, while I was on the phone calling for help. The ambulance came quickly. On the way to the hospital, I passed out in the lift. I felt I was dying (again) It had been nine days since the first time.  

Although I have seen a doctor, a therapist, a chiropractor and a physio therapist to help me with my lower back pain, which occurred about five months after the birth, there was no medical explanation to be found.

While I had worked my way in therapy (at least up to a point where I don’t think about it all the time. And I can now see an ambulance without starting to cry and feel sick to my stomach – and I had another child, so obviously the wish for another baby was stronger than my fear of given birth 🙂 ).

She sad close to me. She held my hand and her other hand resting on my shoulder. “I am listening to your body. It’s like part of your life-energy has left your body. It is afraid to come back to you, because it felt threaten. It feels that it’s too dangerous – it is still in a state of chock”. After the healing-session was over, she looked at me and said: “you should start feeling better psychically and emotional within the next couple of weeks. Your body needs time to heal. You will not get anywhere, before it realises, that the danger is over. It has not understood, that you survived”.  

If this woman was right, could this mean, that my silver lining would be unobtainable (unless my body starts realising, that I’m alive?)

On my way home, I thought about my visit to a clairvoyant about 2,5 years ago. I was told, that they never meant for me to die giving birth. It was to wake me – to open my heart (and for me to start listening). “You got yourself an old and wise spirit (referring to my only daughter, at the time) She is here to help you”. And when I asked her, what shall I do (career wise), her answer was: “They are telling me you should start writing – why not a blog?  

As for the help I asked for yesterday (please see yesterday’s post), it has not yet found it’s way back to be. But I do know, that my body and soul are not giving up without a fight!